After a long hiatus from my blog and from social media, I’ve returned. This past year has been a re-writing of my life. In many ways, my first draft was tossed into the trash can and I’ve begun again. But in other ways, I can still look back and see God’s hand even in the midst of the darkness and pain. I’ve held on to that first outline – the one where God saw me before I was born, and decided that He would redeem my life. And no matter how I’ve wandered, strayed, and rejected His plan, it still stands.
My marriage has been reconciled, in one of the most miraculous and extraordinary ways I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve watched Jesus break the chains of addiction, felt the freedom of the breaking of generational curses. I have been awed and inspired by a God who truly wants to give us more than we can ask or imagine. For so many years, I darkly and cynically spoke that verse – yes, I’d whisper to myself through bitter tears, I have more than I can ask or imagine. More pain, more humiliation, more shame.
And did I? In many ways, yes. I resented myself, even, for my seeming ability to bear all this and more. And I helped to build the high, dark walls of my own prison. In the end, all I had to do to tear it down was trust. To lay down palms bloody from beating against the walls and pray. Trust in God’s strength and not worry about my own. Trust that the God who brought Goliath down before unarmed David, crumbled the walls of Jericho, raised dead bones to life, and called down fire from heaven could not JUST free me, but bring healing and restoration to those around me through His glorious strength.
I know myself better now, because I have known, and been known by, my Savior.
I know how a butterfly feels the first time they stretch their wings.
I know how Adam felt when God’s breath became his own, and he awoke.
I know how blind eyes feel when they see color.
I know how the wind feels as it races.
All these things, my Jesus, feel like You.